you're playing with fire
by hollyhobbit101
Summary: Mary wishes her sons would understand what she's doing, but she fears she's on her own. Tag to 12x13, Family Feud


**A/N: Not sure how I felt about this episode. I am glad Mary came clean to the boys, but I still really don't like her. I was willing to see a different Mary to the almost saint she was painted as in S1 and 2 but this is too much. It can't end well, that's for sure. Hope you like my tag!**

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She's disappointed them, she can see that the second the words leave her mouth. The smile melts off Sam's face as it creases into a frown and he stutters as he speaks like he can't quite understand what she's just said. Her eyes shift to Dean and when they meet his, he just nods.

"Ah," he says, like he knew something was up, he just couldn't quite figure out what it was before. He breaks eye contact and looks down at Sam, at the floor, anywhere but her and that breaks her heart. She knew they weren't going to take the news well, but she had hoped that maybe they might understand why. She should have known it was a fool's dream.

"Mom... We, um, we have a... history with them." Sam speaks haltingly and she can see the pain in his eyes as he looks up at her. She silently implores him to understand as she tells him that she knows because, god, how could she forget when her first glimpse of her youngest was him beaten bloody by the very people she is now working with?

(It wasn't them anyway, just one defector)

* * *

She's making a weak argument, even she knows that. She believes what she's saying, she does, but it's clear that Sam and Dean don't; all the confusion and warmth has disappeared from Sam's face to be replaced with a cold hardness that hurts to look at. She shifts her gaze back to Dean whose expression is almost the twin of his brother's, only this time it is pure agony because she knows that look, saw it all too often on John. A small part of her wonders what John would think of what she is doing, but she pushes that down because she knows the answer, wishes she didn't.

* * *

Broken ribs. Burnt feet.

A long silence follows Sam's words as he looks down at the table, pain in his eyes, and she wonders what else he wants to say but isn't. She wishes he would because it's obvious there's something about his time with Toni Bevell that he hasn't told them and if she knew, maybe it could help them understand each other a little more. Instead he just takes a steadying breath and looks back up at her.

"We don't trust the Brits."

 _We._ Not _I_ , _we._ Sam and Dean. It used to be her too, but times change, circumstances change. Despite what Ketch may think (and Dean too), though, they are still a family, and her sons will always come first. There's a small voice in the back of her mind that tells her she's kidding herself, but she doesn't want to believe it, she _won't_ believe it. She spots tears glimmering in the corners of Dean's eyes and the guilty feeling intensifies because she knows how happy he was, how happy they _both_ were, to have her back and she thinks she might have destroyed that forever with what she's done.

* * *

Neither of them say anything when she begs them to hear her out. They just stare with silent challenges in their eyes and she's almost tempted to call Ketch and call the whole thing off. But, no, she won't because no matter what her sons think, she's (mostly) certain she's doing the right thing so she steels herself and begins to talk.

Dean walks out after a while of listening to her explain her actions. She hears a door slam down the corridor and looks to her youngest, afraid he'll follow his brother away from her. But Sam stays seated and a glimmer of hope flares to life because maybe, just maybe, she's beginning to get through. She opens her mouth to continue, but Sam interrupts before she can say anymore.

"Mom, you've got to understand that after what they did to us, after-" He stops and she inhales sharply, wonders if he's going to tell her what they really did to him, only she's not sure she's ready for that kind of blow- "After everything... We can't just fall into line as their attack dogs."

"I'm not-" she protests, but Sam holds up a hand and she stops short.

"I know you haven't been here, but we've placed our trust in so many people, only to have it bite us in the ass later. We can't go through that again. Ever," he says, looking at her meaningfully and if that doesn't hit home, she doesn't know what will. "I'm sorry."

A tense silence fall between them and there are so many things she wants to say, but she doesn't have the words anymore and, anyway, they'd all be meaningless.

"I'll leave you to it, then," she says quietly. Sam looks like he wants to tell her to stay, but instead he just nods and heads off down the hallways, leaving her alone.

She sighs into the silence and walks as quietly as she can up the stairs and out into the cold night. Her phone buzzes with a text from Ketch about another hunt, but she ignores it for the time being. She gets into her car and drives away, leaving what's left of her shredded heart behind her.

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 **A/N: Hope you liked that! Please leave a review if you have a moment. Bye!**


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